Humble Pie

I want to apologize for my attitude, specifically in this post . (First, I have to blow the dust off this blog, wow 2012). Although I feel that the argument is valid, I was really enraged and offended and last time I checked, anger wasn’t listed as a fruit of the Spirit. See, my problem wasn’t necessarily that I spoke out or shared my “experience” or “insight”, it was my heart. Instead of crying out to Our Father for grace and mercy, and becoming part of the solution, I raged on a public stage with my fist in the air! Instead of serving and humbling myself, I became the judge of another man’s servant(s). NOT O.K.

Hence, this apology. I am deeply and sincerely sorry if my opinion cemented your view of the church or individuals in the church. I spoke in immaturity and pride. Please forgive me. If what I said brought you a deeper, clearer understanding and experience of the Father and His Son, praise Him! He is good and He used my folly to your gain.

You see I forgot, or perhaps I never fully realized, that I came to Christ to die! (That was actually my request at my conversion, “Kill me, please?” story for another day). He has not ordained me as an overseer, nor appointed me as a judge over His people.

I understand that this might be confusing since there is a run up and context to this post, but believe me its necessary.

Again, I am most probably over estimating my influence but, if I have offended you in any way or made you feel less than, send me an e-mail at jedi.vera@gmail.com please?

I am offended…

Judging from some of the responses to my previous post, especially the personal responses, it seems that a lot people who resonated with what I said, have had conflict in “the church”. It matters not what the source of the conflict was, whether it be relational, doctrinal, theological etc., this conflict does damage… to people.

I, personally have my own opinions and issues, but I’m not posting this vent. I would however like to comment on probably the biggest mark of these conflicts… and that is offense.

 “You don’t want to be offended”, “Be careful of bitterness”, “You should reconcile or else your bitterness or offense will harden your heart against God”, etc.

Damn straight, I don’t want to be offended! But what if I am?

I don’t think being offended is the problem; I think the notion that we’re not supposed to be offended is the problem. What do I mean? It’s like this, if you are hurt or offended, you are already in the wrong, because you’re not supposed to be, so what you are offended or hurt about isn’t really valid.  It’s like we’re more concerned about being or not being offended than we actually are about the cause and the offense it self! Does anybody know what I am talking about?

 If you are dealing with offense, this is what I want to say to you, “You are valuable and what you think and feel matters! You matter!”

 Yes, how we deal with offense and hurt can do more damage, if we allow it to fester, but there’s no need for that to happen, because He binds up the broken hearted and He gives rest to the weary! So, that is not the issue!

 The issue is validation, if you are hurt, something hurt you, and that matters, wrong or right, it matters! Again, how we allow this to heal is another process, but I think it’s important for us to know and to recognize, that something happened and it wasn’t cool!

 Yes, there are misunderstandings, miscommunication etc. and this isn’t a comment on the intentions of other parties involved either, I am not even saying that we are innocent in all this, in fact we should know better.  I don’t know if anyone else can relate to this, but sometimes the guilt of feeling offended is on par with the hurt itself! That shouldn’t be!

 You are not crazy, maybe not totally objective, but definitely not crazy! You matter, We matter!!

 

Painting by Michelle-Lize van Wyk

Why I gave up Christianity.

Actually… it’s more like giving up my “brand” of Christianity. None the less, I gave it up. Why? Multiple answers, but the most important one, which is actually the context of all the other answers, is that the Gospel of Jesus Christ changes everything. As I started to see “how deep this rabbit hole goes”, I started questioning and testing everything I believed. And one by one, these beliefs started falling and unravelling. This left me feeling vulnerable and naked, but alive and free. I had to let go of pet doctrines, misunderstandings and “safety” for a Person. I used to think that I had to have it all figured out, I mean Jesus died for me, I have the whole bible to draw principles from…  “common brother, where’s your faith?” I don’t think so anymore, in fact, I’m pretty happy admitting that there’s a whole lot I don’t know. He knows, though.

I became pretty tired of treating people like projects, always having an agenda, of building relationships with the intention of “winning them for Christ”. And I’m over the courses… the multiple courses… “How to (fill in the blank)”, “The seven principles of (fill in the blank)” , “Leadership 101” etc. Now, I’m interested in one thing, learning how to be beloved and loving, treating people as if God actually loves them and not trying to convince that I’m right, because I have a scripture. I’m tired of acting like I have the moral high ground, yet remaining unable to meet people where they’re at. Also, looking back, it’s frightening how I reckoned I had it all figured out when it came to marriage and parenting… without being married or a parent of course. Now, since being married and a father, I’m like, “Help me, Jesus”, most of the time.

 I am tired of a “system” masquerading as relationships, because when sticky situations arise, the best a system can do is observe protocol. Relationships are messy. It takes time. It’s difficult. It’s the first thing to go, when we are trying get measurable results, “How many people have you led to the Lord this week?”, “Is your group expanding?”, “How do you know when somebody has been discipled correctly?”. I’ve seen many marginalized and hurt through this and they leave this system without being validated or recognized, because “they have a spirit of offense”, “they are bitter”, “they are dishonoring rebels”, “they can’t submit to authority” etc. Needless to say, I have left as well.

 I secretly despised my humanity, always playing up to this “super hero” version of myself! Imagining how people would be healed by my shadow, so that demons can also know my name like they knew Jesus and Paul, only to find the Son of God forever a man. (I still love miracles,by the way, but it’s “worthless” without Love.) I ascribe this pretense to insecurity and a false duality, a gnostic idea that my body, my humanity is evil. Somehow, I believed that God also despised me, that he found it difficult to look on me, so he has to look at me through Jesus. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that He was not afraid of me, that I couldn’t taint His perfection. In fact, it pleases Him to meet me in my Imperfection. He loves me, not because of Jesus, He loves me… all of me… to death… and back.

 How is this dismantling, this new direction working out for me?

 It is difficult… to say the least. I am volatile, depressed, vulnerable, cautious (probably more like paranoid)… most of the time. I think it’s because I am becoming comfortable with myself for the first time… especially the ugly, the stuff I used to avoid because if I had to go there, I would not return intact. What I realized is that I have NOTHING to lose, He is not afraid of me, He’s not going to run… He’s not disgusted and He’s not worried. This brings me rest. Now, we can work! 

 I am also confronted with the fact that I live in a REAL world among REAL people with REAL issues, with tensions and complexities I don’t always comprehend, but I am also a prisoner of hope that hope is also REAL.  And since there’s no US vs. THEM, I feel really connected and vulnerable and open to everyone , in amongst everything… I personally find it very hectic and new and exciting and scary.

 Does it have to be this difficult? Probably not, but I need to live through my life. I need to know Him for myself and I don’t know how to do it any other way. He is a vibrant relationship within Himself and I’ve, we’ve been grafted into Them. I can’t believe that that reality can’t be relevant, organic, incarnated.

 So, that’s a brief overview on why I gave up Christianity.

 

Trained In Judgement

I had a “problem” with Romans 5 for a while! It was one of those passages you put in the “mystery box”, hoping to understand it some day, because it just didn’t make sense. It bothered me because, it clearly shows that the work of Christ is greater than the fall of Adam, but that would mean that everyone goes to heaven and that can’t be, so into the “mystery box” it goes! Then, a friend of ours came back from America for a visit and we always try hooking up with him, so he can share some stories and experiences with us. Anyway, we got to chatting and he was going in the Romans 5 direction and everything in me jumped with a “Yes! I knew it”, but my mind was reeling and all the scriptures of hell and judgement came to mind… and therein lies my problem, I’ve been trained in judgement…

When we hear somebody say, “Everybody is saved” or “Everybody is Born-Again”, the first thing we think about, or at least I did, is the implication it has on heaven or hell! We immediately switch to “oooh, scary, that’s universalism!”, because we’ve been taught that the gospel is about “populating heaven and plundering hell”. Our evangelism is scare tactics to make people think about where they’re going to spend eternity and “if you had to meet God today!”. We teach people that they have to receive Jesus if they want to be saved, when the gospel is that Jesus has received them! He has taken away our sin, all of ours and all of it, while we were unable to believe, repent, live holy or reach out to others! That’s what Romans 5 is about, it’s about our inclusion in the life of Christ, how this life is given to everybody, they either believe it or they don’t! We think we’re reaching out to people when Jesus has already reached them, through His incarnation, His life, death and resurrection! So, what’s the message? “You’re forgiven, You’re reconciled, You’re included, You’re home, believe!” He did it all by Himself, thank you very much! (Let’s all stand and give Him a hand). By the way, the faith isn’t even ours! “Faith comes…”

This might be old news to you, but I’m in constant ecstasy about this truth! He planned it all along… to adopt us in Christ!

He didn’t just save from sin, He saved us into Himself, into His life with the Father! This is so liberating, so fresh…. this is the best news ever and in the words of John Crowder, “I’m only sniffing the cork”

Personality

I have been teaching at our youth services recently, about our union with God through Christ. This post was inspired during my last message, so big ups to Ground Zero Youth, who continue to draw out the treasures in us!

This is the big idea: We limit our experience and knowledge of God to our Adamic nature! We still think of ourselves according to Adam and not according to Christ. We think in terms of limitation and not in terms of fullness.

We say stuff like “some people are like this” and “some people are like that”, which is true to an extent, but this is ultimately based on our  (adamic) humanity and not in the work of Christ! Yes, everybody is different and with absolute good reason, but the effect and application of the work of Christ is the same! WE have been given a new nature, we are new creations and that is why it is important to have the gospel rewrite everything we think we know about ourselves! WE are like HIM, but our expressions of Him will differ.

I guess the point I’m struggling to make is that, we should allow the gospel to work it’s way through us and not limit our experience and knowledge of God to our personality or our natural understanding! WE should embrace His work completely and it’s repercussions what ever it might mean, so that our humanity can rightly display His divinity!

Jesus is the How and Where, the truth about God and the truth about Man and He is the Life that vitalizes our Humanity!

I have arrived!

These are some of the scariest words for a believer to utter or even to think, because you don’t want to be proud or arrogant and we are all “in process”, you know, all “on our way”! To where?

Eph 2:6 and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus,

 

Eph 1:21 far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come. (speaking of Christ)

Eph 1:22 And He put all things in subjection under His feet, and gave Him as head over all things to the church,

Eph 1:23 which is His body, the fullness of Him who fills all in all.

Eph 1:3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ,

Eph 1:11 also we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to His purpose who works all things after the counsel of His will,

2Pe 1:3 seeing that His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence.

With Him, all, all, fullness, every, have, having, everything!

I have arrived! Yes, I said it… I have arrived! Am I saying that there is no room for growth?, NO! But I am not trying to obtain something I don’t have or go somewhere  that I am not! I am growing IN the revelation of what I already HAVE and where I am already SEATED! I let Him drive out every lie that keeps me hidden and Him at bay! I am satisfied by the meal He has prepared for me, enjoying every bite and morsel, always having space for more! I am not waiting for the “new thing” He is about to do, because everything that is come is because of work of the Son!

He is the Journey, He is the Reality, He is the Destination and He has already made Himself fully available!

Possessed

In yet another conversation I had recently, my friend Thinus made a great comment, simply saying, “God wants to live through us!”. Wow, the thought that He is part of all my endeavors, not just the ones deemed spiritual, is overwhelming. He supercharges everything I do with His life. I think we can miss it sometimes, because it’s unseen and it doesn’t move to the rushed measured rhythms of performance. Couple this to the previous post about “embracing our humanity” and you have an explosive idea in need of expression.

He wants to live through me…. My mind, my expressions, my gifting, my body infused with His person! Delicious, absolutely delicious!

Our slave mentality wants to respond, “what can we do?”. We want to do great exploits for the Lord, but has it ever occurred to us that we ARE His great exploit! We ARE His workmanship in Christ… who DO good works!

My prayer is that we would allow God to enjoy us and to enjoy His enjoyment of us! We are fearfully and wonderfully made!

God is a Humanist

In a conversation I had recently, this one line came up and it’s light caught me off guard! The line was, “We are human for a reason!”.

Wonder

If You were to withhold Your rains from me, have the sun avert its gaze, command the ground in which I am so firmly rooted, to be barren and dry, you would be right to do so and I would have no case against You, for who can stand against Your righteous decree and Who would be my Defense, my Counselor, my Mediator if not You?

Yet, You DO NOT delight Yourself in the destruction of men, nor do You remain distant from them and their affairs, but You have chosen to make Yourself known, to display Your wondrous works and to dwell with them.

Love…what a Mystery.

Painting by Michelle-Lize van Wyk

Union

I’ve been experiencing a fascinating disillusionment with and detachment from… well, Christianity… at least as I’ve known it! It’s a vulnerable space, because this pre-occupation with the “God-Man union” challenges every way and manner of relating with and to God.

WE ARE ONE… What does one do with that? He has bound Himself to me, to us, by His Word forever. I will never ever be seen apart from Him ever again. I am no man apart from Him, the true extent of my humanity is found only in Him and His full expression is Incarnate! The truth about us is timeless; I’ve been taking up space in His mind since before the foundation of the world. All that I’ve known is this natural world and now I’m confronted with the present prospect of exploring beaches of God-thought, stretching eternity in every direction and these thoughts are about us, about humanity, about our union… knowledge of Him is knowledge of us… it’s intimate to it’s most true extent. Distance is dealt with, there is no where to go, there is no separation (except in my mind), the connection is pure and clean. I am in Him and He is in me!

How does one pray, worship…LIVE, knowing this or better yet, being known like this?

        Culmination.

Bruised Seed. Trampling Son.

The Old has gone, the New has come.

Consummation.

A Lover’s passion for union… You and I… One.

Inauguration.

With Wine and Water flowing forth from Broken Bread.

True Life came when Pure Blood was shed. Once. For All.

His last breath piercing like a trumpet call…It is done… It is done.

Painting by Michelle-Lize van Wyk