Why I gave up Christianity.

Actually… it’s more like giving up my “brand” of Christianity. None the less, I gave it up. Why? Multiple answers, but the most important one, which is actually the context of all the other answers, is that the Gospel of Jesus Christ changes everything. As I started to see “how deep this rabbit hole goes”, I started questioning and testing everything I believed. And one by one, these beliefs started falling and unravelling. This left me feeling vulnerable and naked, but alive and free. I had to let go of pet doctrines, misunderstandings and “safety” for a Person. I used to think that I had to have it all figured out, I mean Jesus died for me, I have the whole bible to draw principles from…  “common brother, where’s your faith?” I don’t think so anymore, in fact, I’m pretty happy admitting that there’s a whole lot I don’t know. He knows, though.

I became pretty tired of treating people like projects, always having an agenda, of building relationships with the intention of “winning them for Christ”. And I’m over the courses… the multiple courses… “How to (fill in the blank)”, “The seven principles of (fill in the blank)” , “Leadership 101” etc. Now, I’m interested in one thing, learning how to be beloved and loving, treating people as if God actually loves them and not trying to convince that I’m right, because I have a scripture. I’m tired of acting like I have the moral high ground, yet remaining unable to meet people where they’re at. Also, looking back, it’s frightening how I reckoned I had it all figured out when it came to marriage and parenting… without being married or a parent of course. Now, since being married and a father, I’m like, “Help me, Jesus”, most of the time.

 I am tired of a “system” masquerading as relationships, because when sticky situations arise, the best a system can do is observe protocol. Relationships are messy. It takes time. It’s difficult. It’s the first thing to go, when we are trying get measurable results, “How many people have you led to the Lord this week?”, “Is your group expanding?”, “How do you know when somebody has been discipled correctly?”. I’ve seen many marginalized and hurt through this and they leave this system without being validated or recognized, because “they have a spirit of offense”, “they are bitter”, “they are dishonoring rebels”, “they can’t submit to authority” etc. Needless to say, I have left as well.

 I secretly despised my humanity, always playing up to this “super hero” version of myself! Imagining how people would be healed by my shadow, so that demons can also know my name like they knew Jesus and Paul, only to find the Son of God forever a man. (I still love miracles,by the way, but it’s “worthless” without Love.) I ascribe this pretense to insecurity and a false duality, a gnostic idea that my body, my humanity is evil. Somehow, I believed that God also despised me, that he found it difficult to look on me, so he has to look at me through Jesus. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that He was not afraid of me, that I couldn’t taint His perfection. In fact, it pleases Him to meet me in my Imperfection. He loves me, not because of Jesus, He loves me… all of me… to death… and back.

 How is this dismantling, this new direction working out for me?

 It is difficult… to say the least. I am volatile, depressed, vulnerable, cautious (probably more like paranoid)… most of the time. I think it’s because I am becoming comfortable with myself for the first time… especially the ugly, the stuff I used to avoid because if I had to go there, I would not return intact. What I realized is that I have NOTHING to lose, He is not afraid of me, He’s not going to run… He’s not disgusted and He’s not worried. This brings me rest. Now, we can work! 

 I am also confronted with the fact that I live in a REAL world among REAL people with REAL issues, with tensions and complexities I don’t always comprehend, but I am also a prisoner of hope that hope is also REAL.  And since there’s no US vs. THEM, I feel really connected and vulnerable and open to everyone , in amongst everything… I personally find it very hectic and new and exciting and scary.

 Does it have to be this difficult? Probably not, but I need to live through my life. I need to know Him for myself and I don’t know how to do it any other way. He is a vibrant relationship within Himself and I’ve, we’ve been grafted into Them. I can’t believe that that reality can’t be relevant, organic, incarnated.

 So, that’s a brief overview on why I gave up Christianity.